MD and Chef Team - The Show!

The Connection Tool for a Healthy Marriage/Relationship

July 18, 2022 Dr. Isabel MD & Culinary Nutrition Expert Chef Michael Season 3 Episode 15
MD and Chef Team - The Show!
The Connection Tool for a Healthy Marriage/Relationship
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode, we are going to be talking about the connection tool for a happy marriage and any relationship.

🔵 We're going to be talking about this today because we are coming up, and by the time you hear this, it has been our anniversary of 42 years together.

So let's talk today about the connection to offer a happy marriage. How the heck did we make it? 42 years of being together and many, many, many more decades to go.

🔵 Today you get the MD and Chef team, Michael and Isabel, both here with you today. Let's talk about connecting and a great relationship, and that can be really any kind of relationship,

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Speaker 0 (0s): Coming up on this episode of the MD and chef team show. So at the end of the beach walk, I just want to say by the end of the beach walk, we had both calm down and I was able to hear my goal and I heard him and the video was shot successfully. Okay. And fantastically, because we had done these tools in the past that I'm going to share with you, and there's three, three points to this tool that will help you implement having a good connection in your, in your marriage and a happy marriage. 

Okay. Hello. I'm Dr. Isabel, Hey, thank you for joining us today. A little bit about myself. I'm a family practice doctor who has specialized in functional medicine. And if you're not familiar with functional medicine, we get to the root cause of people's unwellness. My passion because of my story. And my practice is to help women overcome anxiety and depression by optimizing their brain out so that they can live feel and be their best and to compliment our mission here. 

Speaker 1 (1m 15s): Hi, I'm chef Michael Isabel's husband and certified culinary nutrition expert at doctor on a mission. And we are the MD and chef team. And I bridged the gap between nutrition and brain health. 

Speaker 0 (1m 29s): If you would like to work with us, come check us Now that's doctor D O C T O R, and we can set up a chat to see how we can best serve you. 

Speaker 1 (1m 49s): We invite you to subscribe to this podcast 

Speaker 0 (1m 53s): And now let's get on the show. 

Speaker 1 (1m 58s): Hello and welcome to the MD and chef team podcast. In today's episode, we are going to be talking about the connection tool for a happy marriage and my beautiful Isabel, your Dr. Isabel, Dr. And inition, we're going to be talking about this today because we are coming up and maybe by the time you hear this, it is our 40 anniversary of 42 years of being together. Yes. 

Speaker 0 (2m 27s): Our 42nd anniversary. 

Speaker 1 (2m 28s): Yes. And you asked me out on that first day, chased me down. And of course I was a, yeah, you betcha. Girl is hot. So let's talk today about the connection to offer a happy marriage. How the heck did we make it? 42 years of being together and many, many, many more decades to go. 

Speaker 0 (2m 54s): Yes. I love that. Yeah, we've done 40. Let's do another 40 bags. 

Speaker 1 (2m 58s): Let's just keep, 

Speaker 0 (2m 59s): Let's go for it, baby. Let's be dancing when we're a hundred going, wow, we've done it for 80 years. 

Speaker 1 (3m 6s): So you get the MD and chef team show today, Michael and Isabelle, both here with you today. Let's talk about connecting and a great relationship, and that can be really any kind of relationship, but just connecting in a interrelationship. 

Speaker 0 (3m 20s): And I'd like to start with a story of Michael and I walking on the beach one day, 

Speaker 1 (3m 24s): You get to start just playing. Of course, I'm connecting you. Go on. No, that's cool. 

Speaker 0 (3m 37s): So I always like to start with a story so that people can just kind of get a picture of what's going on. Michael and I were walking along the beach one day and we were practicing for a video that we were going to be doing, that we do to help people improve their lives. And I interrupted Michael and began correcting him like right away. And while you know, it didn't go well when I started doing that and I really have, I, you know, I have read enough books because this has been recently, I've read enough books that I knew I shouldn't be interrupting him. 

And so it didn't go well for the rest of the walk. And it took us a bit to, to get back on course and complete the walk and, and, and achieve the goal successfully. But it was ugly. It got ugly. Cause we weren't connecting. I was just like harping on you. So one thing that I like to teach and we, we Michael and I go back and forth on this. So you'll be hearing a little bit from me and a little bit from Michael look, the beginning of the marriage is fun. 

It's less full it's nil. It's like, I cannot keep my hands off you. Right? 

Speaker 1 (4m 53s): Yes. 

Speaker 0 (4m 54s): Do you remember that? 

Speaker 1 (4m 56s): It's still it 

Speaker 0 (4m 57s): And it still is, but in a different way. Right? Yeah. And now, you know, after that part is over, which is about the first five years, right? 

Speaker 1 (5m 8s): Yeah. I mean, it probably depends differently for everybody in a relationship, but yeah. I mean, there's more of a, I lost full period as opposed to the, the growing of the love period. 

Speaker 0 (5m 19s): Right. Which I'm going to talk about. And then after that period then comes the rest of the marriage, which is commitment, communication, and work, 

Speaker 1 (5m 32s): Good words there. 

Speaker 0 (5m 33s): And those are things you have to learn. Yeah. Because if you didn't learn it in your family, which I shared didn't, then marriage is kind of weird and different and like, how do we do this? And it's like ice skating when you've never ice skated before in your life. 

Speaker 1 (5m 49s): That's a really good point. You brought up there, honey, because there's so many people nowadays. I mean, you you've got the statistics. I know you do. And you'll talk about those in a moment. But there's so many people that do come from broken homes are, don't have that. Shall I say mentorship, or they, as examples of relationships being together for decades and decades being happy. And so they've got to kind of figure out, well, how do I do this? I don't know. I don't have an example. 

And that's, that's gotta be tough for a lot of people. You know, I was a little different. Fortunately, my parents were together and you know, they both died young because of health issues, but they had been together for many, many years. So I did have an 

Speaker 0 (6m 33s): Example. 

Speaker 1 (6m 35s): Let's see. They would have been a dinner about 40 years. I would say, not quite 40 years, I would say they were at about 35 or so when my mom passed away. Yeah. 

Speaker 0 (6m 48s): That's really good. Yeah. 

Speaker 1 (6m 49s): So that was really good. 

Speaker 0 (6m 50s): That's a good long 

Speaker 1 (6m 51s): Term. They were a little bit closed about everything. This was back in the days of the fifties and sixties with relationships and that. So they were pretty closed about it. So I'm hoping they were happy, but they had still together. So they 

Speaker 0 (7m 5s): Seemed happy. 

Speaker 1 (7m 6s): They seem to be pretty 

Speaker 0 (7m 7s): Happy. 

Speaker 1 (7m 7s): Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 

Speaker 0 (7m 10s): Well that, wasn't my story. So I was like, I just did what I had learned in my, in my family. And that is just be the loudest, 

Speaker 1 (7m 22s): You 

Speaker 0 (7m 22s): Know, and the loud and the one with the biggest hammer when 

Speaker 1 (7m 28s): I can verify that from our early days. 

Speaker 0 (7m 32s): And it hasn't all been smooth riding when Michael and I had been together for 25 years, we'll be totally honest. We were thinking about this is it I'm done. I was at least because I knew that well, mommy and daddy divorced when they were 26 years married. And so we had hit like around 25 and I just like, that's it. But you didn't think that way you were like, no, we're going to press on. So I just want to say have something about the statistics. 

Yeah, go 

Speaker 1 (8m 3s): Ahead. 

Speaker 0 (8m 4s): Divorce is easy. No two individuals are a hundred percent compatible. It just doesn't. That just doesn't happen to me. 

Speaker 1 (8m 14s): That's a really, really important point. People get together and yes, they have a great they're together and they're hot for each other married or the relationship. However you want to look at it, they're together. And they're thinking, wow, this is amazing. And then things happen. And you know, we forget the fact that we're two different human beings. I mean, it's yeah. As you said, it's an amazing, great statistic. Well, not a statistic of fact, no two individuals are a hundred percent compatible. 

We're different. And then all of a sudden the differences come out and we go, oh my gosh, you're different than me. Well, yeah. Hello. 

Speaker 0 (8m 51s): Yeah. And, and through the years, you and I have learned to emphasize our superpowers and not emphasize our terrible powers 

Speaker 1 (9m 3s): And respect the other person super powers and you know yeah, 

Speaker 0 (9m 9s): Yeah, absolutely great 

Speaker 1 (9m 11s): Point. So you were on this. 

Speaker 0 (9m 12s): I was going to go ahead and just say that the statistic show that more than 90% of people get married once in their life of those 50% have failed marriages and of the 50% who remarry six out of 10 will divorce and seven out of 10 of those will remarry a third time. 

So those people that are getting married and remarried and married and remarried, ah, something's wrong. Something needs 

Speaker 1 (9m 52s): Not always, but there's a lot of the statistics are up there to show that a majority are. 

Speaker 0 (9m 58s): Yeah. And we need help. Yeah. And that's why we're talking about the connection to a, for a happy marriage. 

Speaker 1 (10m 4s): No, I do want to say like in the, your instance of your mom. Yeah. Oh yeah. Sometimes divorce is needed, you know? Cause what we're talking about saying divorce is easy. Meaning the fact, a lot of times when people aren't compatible, they just, this whole thing you hear about, oh, why did they divorce air irreconcilable differences. Yeah. Well we all have their reconcilable differences, but you know, we reconcile them, whatever the wording would be, but truly understand that we're all different. 

Well, but yeah, but there's times where if there's abuse, whether that's physical, mental, domestic, whatever, those abuse of the children, those times, yes. Divorce is appropriate, which is our relationship needs to implode come apart. And we understand that because it's 

Speaker 0 (10m 59s): Not safe, 

Speaker 1 (10m 60s): It's not safe. 

Speaker 0 (11m 1s): And that's what happened to 

Speaker 1 (11m 2s): Mommy. Right. So we're not talking about those. That's a whole other ball game. Yes. Those are ones that need to come apart. We're talking about the ones who just decide, nah, not going to bother anymore. How do we bother staying together? Because we do have to, we do have to work at it. 

Speaker 0 (11m 23s): Yeah. And love is real. I mean, love is beautiful. It's the best medicine. And that's what happens in a marriage is just learning how to love, you know? But yeah, you're right. If it's, if it's not safe, then get out. Yeah. We're not talking about those marriages. We're talking about the other marriages, 

Speaker 1 (11m 43s): But just say, eh, 

Speaker 0 (11m 45s): Eh, I don't like the way you look in the morning. 

Speaker 1 (11m 49s): That's funny. I just made me think of something. I had an experience, the other, where I was with some different people and they were doing some work and somebody decided halfway through this project, they were tired of the work. And they said, eh, and they just left. They just, there was a work project going on and this person just left the building. And I mentioned, well, where did they go? And they said, Hey, he said, I just can't be bothered anymore. I just gave up on the project and left the project. 

I was like, what? I mean, what, what I, I laughed and I chuckled because that's all I could do. I didn't want to character person, but I was like, oh, okay. I'm out of here. And that's kind of what happens is I'm out of here. I'm done. Yeah. Now I do want to say one of the things that I actually never thought would happen, but did, and I'm glad it did is counseling. 

Yes. Marriage counseling. If anybody out there as a marriage counselor, or even considering it, or maybe had my type of an attitude as a guy like marriage counseling, why would I do something like that? Oh, I'm going to work this out and I can do it ourselves. And remember how we got to a point where we weren't communicating properly. Yes. Because we both had our own issues, our own personal issues and we weren't learning how to communicate properly. 

And I'm pretty sure you made the suggestion. I doubt if I would have, 

Speaker 0 (13m 26s): I don't recall. I'm 

Speaker 1 (13m 27s): Not sure who did, but I'm sure you did. I doubt I would have, but we went and got some counseling and what it did was it uncovered the communication issues that we needed to work on. And I look back on that and how, where was that? I was maybe 10 years in or something like that, somewhere around that, approximately. And that was actually, that was highly, highly beneficial because you have that kind of third party who can uncover some things and looking in yeah. 

It's like that mentorship type thing where the mentor helps you see your blind spots. So we had both had blind spots from where we had come with our own personal relationships and what we were bringing into our relationship. And it just gotten to a point about 10 years in where it was like, wow, we got to work on this. Cause this, this isn't working. Right. We're not communicating very well. And yeah, so that, you know, if somebody is, 

Speaker 0 (14m 28s): We really loved each other, but we just, we were messed up. 

Speaker 1 (14m 33s): Right. Well, yours was. And then, and the communication goes around this concept called crucial conversations, crucial conversations are those conversations that are crucial that, you know, you, you kind of skip by, you know, like, oh, I don't want to talk about this. Oh, I don't want to talk about this. And then you get in these crucial conversations and unless you have been taught or you've learned, or maybe done some reading about how to have a crucial conversation, we had two different ways of having the crucial conversation. 

Right. And so what was your way of having a crucial conversation 

Speaker 0 (15m 16s): Y way was doing it daddy's way. And daddy was the loud Cuban that would get angry and yell because that's how you survived in my family. The louder you were, the more scared everybody was. And the more they'd listened to you, 

Speaker 1 (15m 31s): Veins popping out of your 

Speaker 0 (15m 32s): Veins, popping out of my neck and my forehead. And please know that I have read and I continue to read 

Speaker 1 (15m 40s): A lot 

Speaker 0 (15m 40s): Of books. Yeah, 

Speaker 1 (15m 41s): Yeah, yeah. That was, I mean, we're talking 35 years ago, 

Speaker 0 (15m 44s): Then you were more like mommy, you know, mommy would bat 

Speaker 1 (15m 47s): Dog. Yeah. Yours was like, 

Speaker 0 (15m 53s): I just said, what mine was. You don't have to read. 

Speaker 1 (15m 56s): Which scared the heck out of me, 

Speaker 0 (15m 58s): Which I didn't realize that that's what I wanted because I knew, but I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Yeah. 

Speaker 1 (16m 5s): And for me, I just was peaceful. 

Speaker 0 (16m 10s): Yes. And you're still peace. Thank 

Speaker 1 (16m 13s): You. But I didn't know how to speak up for myself. I just took it all on and then turned my head and hit and put my, as the old saying is, put your head in the sand. Yeah. And that was my way of dealing with a crucial conversation. Is it okay? Whatever guys you're okay. Yeah, sure. Even though it wasn't what I wanted, I just take it, put my head in the sand and walk away, which just angered you even more because you're like, well, you're not even dealing with this. And I wasn't, I didn't know how to deal with it. 

I never got into crucial conversations and dealt with them. So we had a total different two ways of dealing with it. And we both needed to come together to learn how to have crucial conversations, to be able to communicate connect so that our relationship could stay strong. And we could both have conversations about things that were going on in our lives that we needed to talk about that were good or bad or indifferent. Yeah. 

Speaker 0 (17m 15s): So at the end of the beach walk, I just want to say by the end of the beach walk, we had both calm down and I was able to hear my, and I heard him and the video was shot successfully. Okay. And fantastically, because we had done these tools in the past that I'm going to share with you and there's three, three points to this tool that will help you implement having a good connection in your, in your marriage and a happy marriage. 

Okay. All right. So number one is make a 90 day plan and commit to it by implementing the connection tool. And look, it takes a team to make a marriage work. So number one, a 90 day plan to commit, Michael and I have done this. The second thing is during the week, take notes of things that you would like your partner to work on. 

Don't mention it when they come up, because it's all about timing, you know, but write it down. 

Speaker 1 (18m 25s): Oh, so we don't bring it up in the heat of the 

Speaker 0 (18m 27s): Action now now know, breathe, eat, and sleep and rest and wake up and just take notes. And I remember Michael now would be carrying around our notes. You know, I'm writing this down and we thought we know we were writing, 

Speaker 1 (18m 42s): But that's yeah. And that brings up a great point is, okay. So now that's a good idea. Timing's important when to bring things up, but don't hold the pen and paper up. And if somebody stays saying, I'm writing that down, I'm writing that down. You know what? Yeah. That's not the proper way to do it, 

Speaker 0 (19m 0s): But I don't do that anymore. 

Speaker 1 (19m 1s): No, I would've. I probably did it too. 

Speaker 0 (19m 4s): So 

Speaker 1 (19m 7s): That's not the proper way to do it, 

Speaker 0 (19m 9s): But we don't do that now. Now we just write it in the notes of our phone. 

Speaker 1 (19m 15s): Why are you in your phone? Oh, I'm just checking. 

Speaker 0 (19m 18s): Yeah, just catching up on social media. And then the third thing is meet once a week in a safe place. For instance, cook, Michael loves to cook. Michael would make me a beautiful meal where you can go out to a nice restaurant and have your favorite meal and gently. And I emphasized bold highlight and put sparkles all over this word, gentle, gently. Talk to them about what is on the list. 

Okay. Because they don't know what's on the list, you know, what's on the list and just be gentle about it. 

Speaker 1 (19m 59s): Yes. 

Speaker 0 (20m 0s): And I just have a note here about timing. That's, that's one of the things I learned during that whole thing is timing and being gentle. And I emphasize that because I never knew timing and I never knew gentle and I'm still learning timing. I still don't always get timing, but timing is important. 

Speaker 1 (20m 19s): Timing's important. Yep. I just have just a couple things yet 

Speaker 0 (20m 24s): Written down 

Speaker 1 (20m 25s): That I've written down that 

Speaker 0 (20m 26s): Go for it. Well, 

Speaker 1 (20m 27s): And all these great tools you've talked about. There's one overriding thing. That's most important of everything is that word. R E S P E C T respect. And I know I had to learn and I'm sure most people need to learn. It's respect. Yeah. Respect the other person, respect on their feelings, respect what's coming out of your mouth. 

Do not say things that are going to hurt and rip somebody apart. Because once it's out of your mouth, you can't take it back. You can say, oh, I'm sorry, but it's out there. It's hit the other person's brain, their ears. It's gone into their thought process. Very, very difficult to take it back. So always respect. And in respect, I also mean in respect in public, you never speak badly about your partner, your husband, wife, how however your person is in your relationship. 

Never disrespect them in public. That is just so, so important because that hurts you go, I'm just cool fool around. Oh, that's just what I skies say. And you know, you could say that type of stuff, but that's hurts. You know, don't disrespect, the person you love in public, otherwise, what are you saying to them? 

Speaker 0 (21m 55s): Yeah. Like I hear women go to me. Oh my husband's worthless. I'm like, oh 

Speaker 1 (22m 1s): Yeah. Yeah. 

Speaker 0 (22m 2s): If you think that you're saying that he knows that that's how you feel about him, you know? And that just hurts people's hearts 

Speaker 1 (22m 9s): And it's not a, it's not a good one. And just the one other one I wanted to say is I had to understand that when you said certain things and you were, let's say something, you had written down and you said, Hey, this hurt my heart because you said this. I know at the very beginning, a lot of times I would be like, oh, really come on a big deal. Right. I 

Speaker 0 (22m 38s): Know. 

Speaker 1 (22m 40s): But it wasn't to me. However, what I wasn't respecting and realizing was it was a big deal to you. So another thing with this connection is understanding that you, what you think is a big deal and what your partner in this relationship thinks is a big deal. It can be way different way different, because again, you are two different human beings. So what I think is important and I'm trying to make this point, it's important to me. 

And if the other person is like rolling their eyes and oh, geez. Yeah, come on. Well, that is very disrespectful. And I know for me that as a, as a man, I had to work through that because a lot of times you had things going on in your life as a woman that were going on that were emotional, that weren't felt hurtful to you. And I'd be like, oh yeah, come on. 

Oh gee, oh, you're just overreacting. All this kind of stuff. I had to learn how disrespectful that was. And I had to stop, listen and say, okay, well, that must be important to you. So let me think about that and let me work on that for myself, because that's important for you. Yeah. So, 

Speaker 0 (24m 2s): And the cool thing is that you would do that paying attention to what you were saying instead of on your phone or watching TV. I mean, you would not be doing anything other than looking at me and listening to me. Huh? 

Speaker 1 (24m 15s): What'd you say? Oh, 

Speaker 0 (24m 17s): I just punched out. 

Speaker 1 (24m 21s): Yeah. Well that's it. I mean that one's kind of unwritten, but it should be written with your listening. Then listen 

Speaker 0 (24m 28s): For everybody, even your kids, your friends, 

Speaker 1 (24m 31s): Any relationship, but somebody talking to ya, but actually listen, pay attention to them. Put the phone down, but the newspaper down, turn the TV off or turn it down or something, but pay attention when you're listening 

Speaker 0 (24m 47s): In general. Yeah. And anything else you want to add? That 

Speaker 1 (24m 50s): That's uncovered what I wanted to 

Speaker 0 (24m 53s): Say pretty much. 

Speaker 1 (24m 53s): Yeah. What do you got? 

Speaker 0 (24m 54s): I just wanted to say, and with time what you're going to notice as you have less and less on your list, you know, and you don't have to have these 90 day plans, you know, because the list gets shorter and you're able to share it at the right time gently. And it lands on a tender surrendered heart that is willing to work on things. And that's, that's what happens with this. 

Speaker 1 (25m 23s): Yeah. And you learned to say, I'm sorry, I will work on that. I can do better. 

Speaker 0 (25m 29s): Yeah. 

Speaker 1 (25m 30s): Right. 

Speaker 0 (25m 33s): Yeah. I wanted to say something funny, but there's nothing funny about that. Yeah. You just, you just commit to work on it. Yeah. Cause you want to have a marriage. That's happy, not a marriage that is distant and disconnected and not lovely. And because the kids are watching the world is 

Speaker 1 (25m 54s): Watching example. 

Speaker 0 (25m 55s): It'd be a good example. 

Speaker 1 (25m 56s): Whatever your relationship is. Be a great example. 

Speaker 0 (25m 58s): Without speaking words, just having people catch what your, what? Your, how you're living. There you go. Yeah. All right. You guys, is that a wrap? 

Speaker 1 (26m 8s): Oh, that was our connection tool for a happy marriage. Because, or any happy relationship. We could also say there 

Speaker 0 (26m 14s): Too, 

Speaker 1 (26m 15s): As we are coming up on 42 years of being together and cause you chase me down. 

Speaker 0 (26m 21s): Well, Bev, when I knew that I was going to be with you for the rest of my life. So 

Speaker 1 (26m 26s): What did you say right off the bat. 

Speaker 0 (26m 28s): We're going to be together for forever. 

Speaker 1 (26m 30s): Yeah. And I've got forever. Ah, it's a long time. 

Speaker 0 (26m 34s): That's scared you, but you still came back. 

Speaker 1 (26m 36s): Right. But now I know. Yep. Forever. That's just what we 

Speaker 0 (26m 40s): Do now. You say forever. 

Speaker 1 (26m 42s): Yeah, I did. 

Speaker 0 (26m 42s): Yeah. It's pretty cool. All right. You guys thank you for joining us. We love you 

Speaker 2 (26m 47s): Has been the MD and chef team podcast. Thanks for popping in and having a listen. Love you. God, bless you. Have a Drake. Great. 

Speaker 0 (26m 55s): And share this with anybody. You know, that would benefit from it. Okay. All right. Talk to you later. Bye-bye 

Speaker 2 (27m 5s): Hello, chef Michael here. If you enjoy today's episode, we would love it. If you subscribe to the podcast and left us a review.