From Chef to Stay-at-Home Dad: Michael's Heartfelt Journey in Fatherhood

Have you ever wondered what truly sets a father apart from a dad? Join us as Chef Michael opens up about his life-changing decision to become a stay-at-home dad to his two daughters in the mid-90s—a time when societal perceptions were less than favorable. 

With Father's Day in New Zealand just around the corner, Michael shares heartfelt stories and lessons learned, urging fathers to consider the deeper responsibilities and joys of being a dedicated dad.

Michael takes us through the emotional rollercoaster of embracing his full-time caregiving role, from the initial societal stigma to the profound fulfillment he found in raising his daughters. 

Reflecting on his own childhood and the lessons imparted by his father, he emphasizes the critical importance of showing affection and empowering children. With a unique perspective on the nuances of parenting boys versus girls, Michael sheds light on the unpredictability and commitment required in daily parenting, all while advocating for emotional support and presence in our children's lives.

The journey of parenthood is transformative, and Michael underscores the necessity of offering unconditional love, balancing work and family, and genuinely listening to our children. As they grow, especially during those pivotal pre-teen years, he highlights the shift needed from constant teaching to active listening and respect. 

Michael concludes by encouraging parents to support their children's career explorations without imposing rigid expectations, sharing his own varied life experiences as a testament to the unpredictable and fulfilling paths life can offer. This heartfelt episode is a reminder of the profound impact dedicated dads can have on their children's lives.

Chapters

• 0:00 Father or Dad
• 6:47 Lessons in Fatherhood and Empowerment
• 16:20 Parental Love, Time, and Respect
• 25:02 Encouraging Children's Career Exploration

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

I know he felt that way, but yet it didn't come out of him. It was never said and the hugs weren't there, and so I just want to talk about some things. I learned from my dad that I wanted to be as a dad, and those were things I guess I hesitate to use the word negative. It's just that for him it wasn't part of him. It might've been his generation, it just didn't work for him.

Speaker 2: 0:41

Welcome to the show from the MD and Chef team. I'm Dr Isabel, medical doctor here at the MD and Chef team, and who are you?

Speaker 3: 0:50

I'm Chef Michael, culinary nutrition expert. I'm the chef. Part of the team.

Speaker 2: 0:54

And what are we going to talk about, babe? Now I can say that because he's my husband.

Speaker 3: 0:58

Yes, well then, we'll be talking about marriage, relationships, parenting, intimacy. We'll talk about mindsets of success, overcoming depression, anxiety. I'll be getting into functional nutrition, recipes and tips from the kitchen, and we're going to both get into how to live a long, healthy, vibrant life. Yes.

Speaker 2: 1:18

I love it. Our mission is to help you prevent and reverse disease and give you hope in the process.

Speaker 3: 1:25

Oh yeah, we like to have fun too. So let's get on with the show.

Speaker 1: 1:34

Hello and welcome to the MD and Chef Team podcast. It's Chef Michael here, half of the MD and Chef Team, because you are getting me today. Why? Because, well, here in New Zealand, we've got Father's Day coming up in about a week or so. Yes, it's Father's Day coming up here in New Zealand. Wherever you are in the world. It may not be for you, but it is for us and myself.

Speaker 1: 2:00

Being a dad, I thought what a great podcast, something we could talk about. Ladies, if you've got a man in your life, or if you've got somebody who represents the father figure, the dad figure in your life, or if you've got somebody who represents the father figure, the dad figure in your life, pass this on to them. And, guys, if you're out there, you're a father, you're a dad. Have a listen Now. I titled this podcast Father or Dad With a question mark. This is a special Father's Day edition. Well, why do I say father or dad? Well, again, these are my opinions. I've got some experience on myself being a father and what I consider as a dad, which I'll talk about in a moment raising two beautiful daughters who are now in their 20s, who are now in their 20s. Father or dad, anybody can be a father who, let's put it through an act, it's a sexual act of being a father. Well, not anybody, because I guess some people can't because of physical things that might bring that up. I'm trying to be as nicely softly saying this as I can so I don't turn this into an R-rated conversation. But you know, being a father is a sexual act and you can have a child. But being a dad to me is the important part where understanding that there's a responsibility to that act that you've just had to become a father. Being a dad is about the responsibility that you've had that child with and also your responsibility to society in general to raise a child. That is doing something great for society or, you know, at least being a good part of society. Let's put it that way. And so, father or dad? My question is, guys, are you a father or are you a dad? Because being the dad is really the important part where you take just that act of becoming a father and become a dad.

Speaker 1: 4:29

For Isabel and I, my beautiful wife Isabel pre-kids we made a decision that one of us was going to be staying at home with our kids in the early days, in the early days of the diaper stuff and being the toddler and then going to pre-Kindy and Kindy. In the early days of schooling, we decided one of us would be there for that for the kids, one of us would be the at-home parent. One of us would be there for that for the kids, one of us would be the at-home parent. I'm not saying that's right or wrong. Everybody has to make their own decision. That's just the decision that we made. That was going to work for us. That was just the way we wanted it to be and so that happened to be me.

Speaker 1: 5:10

This was back in the mid-90s on up until the early 2000s, where myself, michael, I was the at-home dad and at that time it wasn't really as accepted, I think, as it is as much now. It was, maybe in certain areas of the world. I was kind of in a rural area and it seems strange. And the reason why I can say that is I play golf and if you ever played golf or if you ever even had some kind of a sports competition where you show up and maybe you join a team with golf, you join a foursome and you show up and you play with other people, well, if you're playing with guys or pretty much anybody, and you join any team, what's the first thing people ask of you? Or even if you're going out to a party or something, or you're at something where you're around people and you're meeting new people, what's one of the first things everybody asks you beyond your name? Oh, so what do you do? Well, I can tell you, after becoming doing the at-home dad thing for about the first year maybe two years, but at least the first year, because at that point I had been an executive chef in country clubs and hotels. Now, for, oh, I don't know how long would that have been, maybe somewhere around 15 to 20 years, probably about 20 years.

Speaker 1: 6:38

To that point when people would say, what do you do, I'd say, oh well, I'm a chef. And they'd say, oh, where are you a chef at? Oh well, not right now. I'm actually, you know, at home, dead for the kids, that I'm at home with the kid, you know. And so it took me a while to accept the fact that, hey, this is amazing, this is important. I am a dad and I am responsible for these kids. And you know what, if people don't like that, that's what I do, well, that's their problem. I had to get over that. I had to get beyond the point of a guy being the at-home parent with his two daughters. That that's okay. That's actually a pretty cool thing, that's a good thing.

Speaker 1: 7:25

And I mean that for women too I have so much respect for, for you can call them housewives, you can call them house moms, you can call them the at-home mom, the full parent caregiver, whatever you want to call it. I have so much respect for those who are at home taking care of the kids, because it is full on. If you've ever done it, have you ever been with the kids for a while, especially when they're under 10 and under? And, of course, then you go into the teenage years. But 10 and under, you know that they are a bundle of energy and to keep up with everything, especially in those toddler years, with the diaper stuff going on and the crashing and the burning and the knocking over things, and oh my gosh, it is full on. And you, yeah, it's a lot of work, let me just put it that way.

Speaker 1: 8:24

So for me personally, it took me a little while was being a full-time dad and I had to get comfortable with that, and then I had to get comfortable with the fact that, hey, this is amazingly important, this is hugely important. And so when I talk about are you a father or are you a dad, for me, that comes from a point of being there and understanding. I needed to make that shift from just considering myself a father to a point where I am a dad and I have a responsibility here to many factors of the world and taking pride in that and understanding how that is so, so important. So I want to talk about a few things that worked for me with the girls growing up, whether it's girls, boys, whatever it may be. And, by the way, there is a difference when you're raising boys and girls. They are so different. But for me it was raising girls.

Speaker 1: 9:38

I understand it's a challenge. Parents out there, whoever's raising children, I understand it's a challenge because, yes, there's so many different books you can read and, yes, I'll put some tips on here on this podcast different books you can read and, yes, I'll put some tips on here on this podcast. But it's your daily challenge, working with your kids. It's your personality, it's your character and their personality and their character and and you are shaping them and molding them, and it is challenging. It's a challenging time because every day is something new and so, oh my gosh, where did that come from? You know, you think you got it all kind of figured out and then boom, that's like whoa, wait a second, what's going on here? How do I handle that? What's the whole deal with that? I mean, the biggest thing for us is after well, not, for us is after the both the girls were born and we had the opportunity to bring them home from the hospital was trying to figure out how the car seat works. I mean, the first time around was crazy, ridiculous. It's like how does this work? I don't even know how to do the car seat, you know, and all that kind of stuff. So I understand and know yes, it is a challenge. I get your parents Now. For me.

Speaker 1: 10:54

Growing up, I had a wonderful, wonderful dad. I know my dad loves me. He's in heaven now. I know my dad loved me. I know he cared for me. I know he was proud of me. However, that was a dad of another generation, was a dad of another generation and those dads, for whatever reason. This, and I guess maybe your dad might not have been this way, but my dad struggled with actually showing me that and he struggled with showing me affection. Let me put it that way he, you know, he struggled with hugging. He struggled with saying I love you, I'm proud of you, all those things, and I know he did. You know, I know he felt that way, but yet it didn't come out of him. It was never said and the hugs weren't there. And so I just want to talk about some things.

Speaker 1: 11:54

I learned from my dad that I wanted to be as a dad, and those were things I guess I hesitate to use the word negative it's just that for him it wasn't part of him. It might have been his generation, it just didn't work for him. However, I know I know I know that he did his best and gave it his best, and I know he loved me. But there were things I learned that I thought, you know, when I my dad. These are some tools that as a child with my dad. So one of them is empowerment. Empowerment, no matter what. And the reason why I say this, what happened to me a lot was I was growing up.

Speaker 1: 12:52

I know my dad wanted amazing things for me, but what he struggled with is, you know I'll just use the example of, let's say, grades where you know A was top and F was the bottom. You know, the worst failing A was like, wow, you're doing fantastic. And then you go B, c and I might get like an A minus, meaning just below A, but it was still. I mean, if it's a scale of 1 to 10, that's like a 9. And I would get all the A, minuses and Bs and as and I would be so happy and I'd bring it home and they would go yep, yeah, it's pretty good, ok. Well, why did you get an A minus here? I mean, what did you do? Yeah, it's pretty good, okay. Well, why did you get an A minus here? I mean, what did you do? Why didn't you get the A? And it would deflate me and I know what he was trying to do was get me to strive to be better. But it ended up having the reverse effect on me. It got me to a point eventually where I just said, ah, the heck with it, why bother trying? And so one of the things I needed to understand for me and again, please know this is my story, yours could be totally different One of my most important things that I wanted to bring to my daddy's dad skills was to empower, no matter what, you know, even if it wasn't going well.

Speaker 1: 14:15

It was just say, hey, I hear you, maybe it didn't go so great this time, I know you've got the strength to do this or just having empowerment, uplifting, uplifting, uplifting as much as possible. And we had a saying butterflies and and rainbows. And the girls would say, well, it's not all butterflies and rainbows. And I'd have to say yep, you're right, it's not, it's not all butterflies and rainbows. Um, what can we do to make it better? Is there anything you know those types of things talking through them? But one of the things I always wanted to make sure was that when they felt good about something they were doing, even if I don't know, even if, according to society, it wasn't quite good enough, I wanted to empower them and say, hey, well done, good job, let's see, you know, let's move forward. Empowerment was a biggie.

Speaker 1: 15:13

The other one is unconditional love, understanding that, no matter what, I love you, you're going to make some mistakes and there's going to be some times where I'm not going to be very happy with you at all. But that doesn't change the fact that I have unconditional love for you. My love for you will never fail. Some of this stuff comes from my history with my dad, where we had just gotten to a point where by the time I was sometime between about 18 and 20, between about 18 and 20, we just stopped talking and probably for a period of at least five years, maybe seven, eight years, we didn't talk because in his eyes I had failed him and in my eyes I couldn't do enough for him to be proud anyway. So pretty much I didn't even bother trying to do anything right.

Speaker 1: 16:21

And so I see that time and I think, oh, what that is? Just now that I'm a parent I'm like, oh my gosh. I mean, I'm so sorry for the things that I did. It's not his fault and these are the things that I did in the way I felt, you know, and I could have been better.

Speaker 1: 16:36

But I see that I want to make sure that I have unconditional love for my kids, that, no matter what happens, I'm there for them. We all know, growing up, we are going to make mistakes and we continue to make mistakes as adults. So, come on, let's get over ourselves and understand the fact that it's going to happen. Yes, we want to pick them up, dust them off, move them forward when those mistakes happen and hopefully they learn from them and they go winning forward. But that should not change our unconditional love for them and also the fact that we can't buy that love. You know, giving them more and more gifts is not going to buy that love. Gee, that sounds really wonderful. Just keep buying them gifts. That's what I started to learn to understand was what the no matter what, not any child, what they want again, this is my opinion, but what they want from what my experience and I see to be a dad they want your unconditional love and they want your time.

Speaker 1: 17:49

Now, yes, gentlemen, that time thing can be rough, because you might be doing the 40 to 60 hour a week, maybe even 70. You could be doing massive hours and you can say I just don't have the time. Well, all I can say is figure out in your schedule how you can get some time, quality one-on-one time with your children, because those kids I know, you know if that's you and you're bringing home the so-called bacon for the family and you know making the dollars and and you know so you can have all the wonderful things that you want to have for your family. That kind of looks nice, but at the end of the day, the kids would probably give that up if they had you. And so I think being the dad is finding that balance where, somehow, some way and I'm not, I don't know the answer for you personally but it's to carve out that time, because what's the biggest things that any any child wants, from what I've seen, is they want unconditional love, they want to be hugged, they want somebody to tell them they love them sincerely and they want to be listened to sincerely and they want your time. They want your time.

Speaker 1: 19:23

Now I did slip one in there. They want to be listened to because it's not in the early days not quite as much, but once they get to somewhere around 10 to 12, they're starting to learn a few things about the world. I mean, yes, they you know. Come on, let's, let's all be honest. When we all got to that age, somewhere between 10 to 13, we all think, well, gee, I know it all. Now I'm the know it all, you can't tell me anything anymore. Yep, we all kind of somewhere along that line seem to get that attitude. But our dad skills need to shift at that time, probably to into more of a listening mode. Okay, all right, in the back of your mind, I made this mistake all the time is.

Speaker 1: 20:16

I tried to continue just teaching and telling, teaching and telling, teaching and telling them what to do, and they started to tune out because I wasn't listening. So the biggie, what I've discovered is one of the things we need to, you know, somewhere in that 10 to 13 age it can be different for every child is we need to start switching a little bit from just teaching and telling them about the world and what to do and don't touch this because it's hot. Uh, you know, don't go there because you could get hurt. Yep, they've learned that stuff as a kid, but now we need to switch into a little bit more of even when they say crazy silly things that make no sense, because they're just learning the world to listening, just listening and not cutting them off. Because if we show that we're listening, that is really a way of showing love, that's giving time and showing love. If we just listen, then they will be open to ask. That's what I found.

Speaker 1: 21:24

They rarely asked me my opinion about something. If I wasn't listening, if I was just barking at them and telling and teaching, they turned out that was it, and I wasn't getting any ask coming back. That was it, and I wasn't getting any ask coming back. So my suggestion is you want them, if you want them to, you know, in those kind of pre-teen, teen ages, if you want them to ask you for help, ask you your opinion about life or different things going on in their lives, then first listen, then you open up the doorway for them to ask. Hopefully that makes sense.

Speaker 1: 22:07

One of the other things I do want to bring up is from are you a father or are you a dad? Is dads respect their children? Now, that might sound crazy, because you're an adult. You're at what age? You know all this stuff about life. You've done amazing things in your life. You're doing things in your life. I'm supposed to respect my child that really doesn't know anything about life. What I mean by this is, yes, respect them. That you are not disempowering them and putting them down Like don't be saying you're stupid. Don't be saying things like, oh, you're lazy. Don't be saying things like you're fat, you're this, you're that. Hey, you, you know, because that goes in.

Speaker 1: 23:01

That is so formed in those informative young years that they take that on, I mean, as adults. Research shows. There is adults that still hold that in their brain, like all they can think of is well, I'm sloppy, you know. And they are sloppy because their house is sloppy and they think well, that's just how I am, because I was always taught that way. I was always told that's who I am, or I'm lazy, you know. There's, you know, a 48 year old saying, well, I'm just lazy, that's just me. Well, where did they pick that up? A lot of times at these early informative years, you know, they might be at whatever age, going yeah, well, I'm not that smart, I'm just kind of stupid. Well, where did they get that? They weren't born like that. They weren't born saying to themselves. When they could start talking, they didn't start saying hey, mom and dad, I'm stupid. No, they picked it up somewhere. Dad, I'm stupid. No, they picked it up somewhere.

Speaker 1: 24:06

Please, please, dads, respect your children. Speak positive words to them, and by positive I'm not saying you need to tell them hey, you're going to be an astronaut and go to the moon, type stuff. I'm saying speak positive words. Stay away from the junky, negative words that speak into them. That will set them up for a failure of life, because they think they're this, they think they're stupid, they're lazy, they're fat, they're skinny, they're ugly, they're nothing in life, because they've been taught that, they've been told that they take that on and that becomes their adulthood. So, please, that's what I mean by respect your children. And the other thing I want to say is don't box them in. Don't box them in with and I think we've all been guilty of this for many, many, many generations. I think we all do it, you know. We ask an eight-year-old what do you?

Speaker 1: 25:04

want to do when you grow up? How the heck are they supposed to know that? I mean, it all sounds great, it all sounds wonderful. A 10-year-old, a 12-year-old, even you know 16 or 18, what do you want to do when you grow up? Well, let me just put it this way I never grew up saying I wanted to be an executive chef. I never grew up saying I wanted to be a brain health expert, a culinary nutrition, brain health expert. I didn't grow up saying I wanted to be a dad.

Speaker 1: 25:35

The things that I ended up being later in life, some of them after I'm 40, I never grew up saying I wanted to do any of that. But as life went along and I experienced life, I started to open my eyes to things that I liked and things that intrigued me and things that I stepped into, areas of life that came upon me that I realized, hey, I like this actually. Oh, I never thought about this. This is a beautiful, I like this career path, or I like this topic, or this is an area of life where I feel I can serve and it really is wonderful and it makes me feel good and it's awesome. You know, as far as serving the world are wonderful and makes me feel good and it's awesome, you know, as far as serving the world, but all the things that I accomplished in my life one being a dad, never really thought about it, that until I was in my 30s uh, and isabelle and I'd been together for probably 10, 15 years at maybe 15 years at that point before I even thought about it and being an executive chef working in the hospitality industry that didn't come to me until I was in my 20s. And then being a culinary, nutrition, brain health expert, working with people around the world in that area well, that only came to me in my 50s.

Speaker 1: 27:00

So what I'm saying here is don't box your child in by saying you know this whole thing, well, what do you want to be when you grow up? Okay, ask him if you want, but I mean, don't be talking about that. You know, if they say that at eight years old and they would say, well, I want to be an astronaut, or I want to be a train engineer, or I want to be whatever it may be, even I want to be a nurse or a doctor, yeah, sometimes it happens. But if, when they're 18 and you're still saying it to them, then you want to be, didn't you want to be? And they say, no, I don't really want to do that anymore. Don't look at them like, oh well, you always said you wanted to be. Well, they don't know when they're that age. So let's really look at that. Don't box in your kids. Let them grow into the world. It will pay them off beautifully by letting them grow into the world to find what they love, what they're passionate about, what they're good at and what will bring joy and peace to their heart.

Speaker 1: 28:13

All right, everyone. Hey, this has been Chef Michael here, and today it's Dad Michael here, and uh, today, uh, it's dad michael. So michael here, dad of two beautiful daughters who are now in their 20s. Talking about are you a father or are you a dad? And this has been the special father's day edition. With father's day coming up here in new zealand, I want big, big, giant shout out to all dads in the world.